WARNING: Readers without strong stomachs or sensibilities might want to skip this article.

Despite Valdosta’s many fine dining choices, I have hoped for years that eventually eateries would be established here that cater to my specific tastes and offer fast quality service and sensible prices. As an undead citizen of Valdosta, then, I was delighted to hear of the opening of the Brains Gourmet, located at the Five Points plaza.

The restaurant is pleasantly decorated, with colorful entrails welcoming new customers, a comfortable layer of grime across the floor, and soothing, dim lighting. It definitely made me feel somewhat relaxed; I believe my core body temperature dropped a few degrees from its usual 198.6 temperature, and I felt my rage lessen slightly. I was delighted to see the range of choices. You can buy separate entrees of brains or a half-and-half deal with half a brain and any of their delicious soups, and you can make anything a combo for only 1.49 extra. It took me a while to deliberate, but I finally decided on the college professor. I hadn’t eaten all day and that sounded particularly filling.

When I went up to place my order, I was greeted pleasantly with a cordial grunt by the cashier. She asked if I’d like to try a sampler platter instead. It was 10.99 for five small portions of their different brains, and I was allowed to choose my five. The platter comes with French-fried fingers and a medium beverage. I paid and was given my number. The wait was short, although I do have trouble waiting for anything.

Almost all of the items in the sampler were delicious. I had chosen the lawyer, the drunk college student, the rapper, the model, and the athlete. The lawyer was good, although a little greasy; it had a particular meaty quality, and was juicy enough that I finished every bite. The drunk college student had a little kick to it, and went down smoothly. I could feel myself getting slightly tipsy off it, though, and so didn’t finish.

The rapper was a little tough, but lacked “bite”: it was a little too stiff and had been overseasoned; I couldn’t taste the real thing at all. The model was equally disappointing; it was so lean it seemed like soy meat and it almost made me hungrier rather than filling my belly.

I would say the best was the athlete. It had a rich, natural flavor and a lean texture and had just the right amount of blood and adrenaline to make it juicy and filling. It was so good, I almost considered ordering a separate entree of it, but the sampler platter had successfully filled me up (and for a great price!). Next time I will definitely order an athlete combo.

I was a little disappointed with my blood beer; it was a little flat. However, when I asked for a replacement, they were happy to oblige and the next one was better. All in all, it was an excellent dining experience; I would highly recommend it to anyone who desires convenience and an instant variety when they’re hungry.

As told to Sophie Milan, who risked her life for this story. Milan is unavailable for comment as she currently unable to be reached or located.