WARNING: The following is a work of sarcasm. Any resemblance to any persons living, dead, undead, or Super Saiyan is purely coincidental, so seriously, get off your ass and go and support these people!
Beware the Cyclemeisters, dear readers!
This Friday, from 6 p.m. to 7:30 p.m., at the Bleu Pub Parking Lot on 116 N Lee St., a bevy of bicyclists will descend upon our fair town and unleash the unholy suggestion that our town must accommodate their wretched kind by building more paths on which they can legally ride without hindering traffic.
In control of this dastardly drove is Natasha Fast, who claims that this coalition functions as a form of creative protest against the lack of options bicyclists face every day. She declares that bicyclists face persecution for driving on the road amongst motorists, often being subject to foul language, incessant horn honking and even the occasional tossed trash. However, when they attempt to escape said persecution by riding along the sidewalks, they are subject to the wrath of pedestrians, who often have more chance of picking up a rock or a stick than the common motorist. In addition, sidewalk cyclists often find themselves paying fines for taking the only alternative to what they say is a choice to be courteous to the drivers on the road.
Fellow Valdostians, I cannot stress enough the importance that you not be taken in by these people and exercise your duty as their peers to support their cause. These people have the gall to attempt to rescue our environment from the pollution caused by gaseous car fumes and to help the overcrowding of our parking garages and parking lots by engaging in their illicit two-wheel activities.
The Cyclemeisters, as they are so called by me, have been attempting these “humanitarian” activities since September in 1992. Over 18 years, their cause has spread to 300 countries; fighting every last Friday of each month towards what they say is “negligence” on the part of city officials. Critical Mass, the codename for this happenstance, began in Valdosta in Fall 2009. Over the last year, more and more have been absorbed into their group, being brainwashed into standing up for their rights. Indeed, beware the Cyclemeisters, dear reader, and beware their noble cause.