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How to survive when the zombie apocalypse comes

Kenny Bush
Staff Writer
krbush@valdosta.edu 

 The zombie apocalypse is no laughing matter…well, it kind of is. However, the moment it isn’t will be the same moment when monsters that you once knew as your roommates and peers are making a lunch out of your intestines.
 Before that happens, you might want to take these tips into consideration.
 First, you need to be mentally prepared. Most people killed and/or infected at the start of the outbreak will be due to denial or unawareness. Be vigilant, because dismissing your professor’s limp, rancid stench, and missing arm as a case of the “Mondays” could be the last Darwin moment of your human life. Perhaps you’ll have better luck as a zombie.
 Second, know your enemy. Your basic zombie is a slow, clumsy corpse that just wants to eat the living flesh of humans. Their senses should be on par with humans, but that’s still being debated on the internet. However, they seem to respond well to sound, so use that to your advantage when appropriate. The threat of these ghouls lies with their overwhelming numbers, relentless hunger, and the virus they carry. The most accepted hypothesis states that the zombie swarm will be a result of a virus that contaminates and manipulates the brain. Like all viruses, its only objective is to spread, and it can do so through bites, scratches, or just zombie fluid spilling into an open wound. Anyone infected will be killed and reanimated (i.e. zombified) in a matter of days, hours, or even minutes depending on how close the infection is to the brain. So if you or someone in your group becomes infected, be a hero and destroy that brain before the zombie stage occurs. I know it sounds heartless, but it’s all for the greater good. An idea you’d better get used to in order for you or others to survive this nightmare scenario.
 Third, arm yourself. Weapon wise, you want to use anything that can be used to destroy a zombie brain, cripple a rotting leg, or knock away an unsightly body that is invading your personal space. Guns, baseball bats, knives, basically anything thing sharp or blunt that is easy to carry around can be useful. However, you need to know your limits. Before Z-Day, your biggest concerns were exams and getting a date for Friday. Though the zombie apocalypse can be a great way to met recent singles, don’t expect that you’ll be able to physically and mentally deal with pulverizing a post-humans skull with a frying pan.
 As for tools, take only what you need to survive. The standard zombie survival kit consists of a flashlight, batteries, two-way radios, a med kit, and non-perishable food items. Feel free to use whatever you can find, but remember that a plasma screen TV, expensive clothes, and iPods are not going to help you against the undead population.
 Fourth, have a plan. Your first thought will be to flee from Valdosta to someplace less crowded and, therefore, safer. However, this will be everybody’s first thought. You do not want to be caught in a traffic jam on Baytree or Ashley while trying to escape the area. You’ll just be adding yourself to the buffet line. However, your place might not be safe enough if the horde ever became aware of your presence. If you live in the dorms, then it sucks to be you. If you can’t get out of the city, then find an isolated place where you can hold out for three weeks. The Moody base is ideal, but their improvised zombie protocol is anyone’s guess. You could be shot if you’re not careful. Going to the mall or any department store will involve clearing out the undead presence, as well as encountering with other survivors who may not be in the most trusting state-of-mind. People and panic are a dangerous combination, and a store with an armament of guns is the proverbial powder keg in the fireplace. If you need supplies, try a five-fingered discount at your nearest gas station for food or an auto repair shop for tools.
 Lastly, don’t make matters worse. This goes for acting violently toward any and all survivors to just being a mournful mess that holds up your group. With death possibly looming around every corner, the last thing a group needs is someone that will not get with the freakin’ program. Seriously, don’t be that person.
 I hope you all fair well during the zombie invasion. It might appear to be a hopeless situation, but you are better off then you realize. You see, I believe in science, and science says that all things dead will rot. Best yet, all things that rot under the heat of Valdosta, rot faster. Hold out for about a month, and most of the zombie menace should be nothing more than a disgusting pile of sick on the ground. Good luck Blazers!!

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